You may develop self-confidence by just telling yourself the proper tales.
The good news is that you may boost your self-esteem without self-love rituals or mantras.
Recently, when I was getting ready for a challenging meeting, I became so anxious about it that my body ached and my stomach hurt. Also, it triggered the critical voice in my brain. The one who constantly reminds me of my shortcomings, how I fall short of my own absurdly high standards, or who makes me worry about what other people think of me.
I discussed my views and concerns with my therapist. She advised me to create encouraging messages to myself on sticky notes and place them around my computer screen as a special perk of having meetings via Zoom.
Cringe. I instantly objected. I practice as a psychiatrist. In addition, unlike so many of my patients, I have never been one to really embrace the idea of self-love (aside of sometimes blasting Miley Cyrus’s most recent song, “Flowers,” on a particularly awful day). It often comes out as corny, ridiculous, and very un-me.
The idea of self-love has become rather cheesy and consumerist in pop culture. Self-esteem is not sustained by sheet masks, bubble baths, or naively telling yourself, “I’m amazing,” in the mirror. According to Wise Therapy Solutions’ Maia Wise, a qualified independent clinical social worker and therapist, InStyle. Furthermore vague and lacking in concrete deeds, self-love. “It keeps us caught in our brains thinking about wanting to love ourselves without really doing or altering anything,” says Jaime Zuckerman, PsyD, a certified clinical psychologist.
It is improbable that spending 30 minutes on your sofa reminding yourself to love yourself more would result in any significant improvement. But, spending 30 minutes each Sunday tending to your garden because you value Feelings of self-love are far more likely to arise in a serene environment.
another obstacle? According to Emily Mukherji, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Washington University in St. Louis, “I believe individuals might be hesitant of the word because there is a fear that too much self-love can border on narcissism.”
Nobody likes to be seen as narcissistic for attempting to take care of oneself, but if such actions are more consistent with your beliefs and have meaning for you, that feeling may be balanced. In order to understand what important to them individually, such as friendship, job, and sports, Dr. Zuckerman initially asks patients to complete a value evaluation. She claims that it is improbable that spending 30 minutes on your sofa encouraging yourself to love yourself more would result in any significant improvement. The likelihood of developing sentiments of self-love, however, is much higher if you spend 30 minutes each Sunday working in your garden out of a desire for a tranquil household.
I was aware that I didn’t want my meeting’s sticky notes to stroke my ego (“You are fantastic!”) or suggest that the only thing I was worth was working hard. Then, I questioned if there was a way to pay attention to my therapist’s suggestions without plunging into self-love.
The answer? Self-compassion. In contrast to the more amorphous concept of self-love, characterizes self-compassion as being focused on alleviating pain. She asserts that while there may be good and evil in love, compassion is particularly useful when coping with life’s most difficult experiences since the Latin word for love, passion, also means to suffer.
You don’t need to be kind to yourself or deny your sorrow; you just need to acknowledge it.
Because of this, self-compassion is everything from poisonous optimism; rather, it is about accepting our pain and giving ourselves assistance while we deal with it. You’re really giving yourself permission to turn towards [the bad] and deal with [it], as Dr. Neff explains: “You aren’t pretending things are different than they are.”
Even if self-compassion is not a cure-all, she argues that it is always a resource that may be used to ease temporary suffering. “If you’re in a war, if you’re an ally to yourself, obviously you’re going to deal better than if you’re an adversary, humiliating yourself or being harsh with yourself,” Dr. Neff continues. You need to acknowledge your sorrow and be more understanding of it, not adore yourself or deny it.
In other words, we need to attempt telling ourselves that this is difficult right now before sucking it up and dismissing bad feelings or blaming ourselves for them. Taking note of and naming our thoughts and feelings may be beneficial. According to Dr. Zuckerman, this may help us distinguish between ideas and reality. She advises us to treat our critical thoughts as “as passing words and without buying into their significance,” rather than taking them seriously.
Dr. Mukherji advises that if we believe we have done anything wrong or are a horrible person, we should make an effort to disprove that notion. It’s critical in these circumstances to lean on the connections with whom we are innately more compassionate than we are with ourselves.
Of course, you may not always be able to recognize and alter your ideas, but it helps to begin to do so. Intentional self-compassion breaks, according to Dr. Neff, are one approach to achieve this. She emphasizes the following three aspects of self-compassion: “That you are aware of your pain, that you are kind and supportive of yourself, and that you have a sense of community.” Touch might be helpful if it’s difficult to start with your ideas or emotions. According to studies, it lessens our fight-or-flight reaction, which is why Dr. Neff refers to it as a “strong signal of compassion.” Just breathe while placing your hands over your face or heart. This is a sign to “let your body know that you’re there for you,” according to Dr. Neff.
If all of this still seems a little woo-woo to you, remember that practicing self-compassion has important advantages for your health. Dr. Neff cites more than 5,000 study publications on topics ranging from relationships to physical health to the advantages of dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression (many written by her and her research group). Self-compassion exercises might also make us feel less alone. Research demonstrate that during the epidemic, when many of us felt alone, this was accurate. Dr. Mukherji continues, “Moreover, it might make life more fun if you aren’t always criticizing or second-guessing yourself.”
It may not be surprising that we still find ways to critique our self-compassion. Pooja Lakshmin, MD, a psychiatrist who specializes in women’s mental health, founder and CEO of Gemma, and author of Real Self-Care, recommends that you must be gentle with your self-compassion. In other words, expect to mess up and have days when you forget to be kind and forgiving to yourself. Even with the practice of self-compassion, we are not aiming for perfection. It also takes a long time—years—to become very good at it.
In the end, I trusted my therapist and jotted down affirmations on a few separate sticky notes to counteract my bad thoughts at the time. I was realistic and not excessively optimistic. I said in my letter, “You could be worried or nervous, but you can manage it. “This is terrible, but you have this.”
Even while I didn’t love myself just then, I also didn’t detest myself. Unexpectedly, it was helpful. I hope it also benefits you.
You don’t have to agree with the aspects of self-love that make you frown or giggle, but you can see what it is and what it isn’t. Instead, in times of hardship, practice self-compassion. You may pamper yourself to bubble baths, date evenings, and vacations, but how you talk to yourself in times of stress, unhappiness, or concern is what matters, as Wise notes. I completely concur.